Letter 3

Dear Tay,

Another week has gone by and I love these letters already. It gives me a chance to really think on the past week and take in all that has happened. Good and bad.

Scouty babe is giving me a run for my money. She is so sweet and fun at times, and a total nightmare at others. She is constantly lifting her shirt these days to "beep" her belly button. The best is when she's sitting down and has a hard time finding it. She just keeps pulling at her tummy until she spots the treasure. It's adorable. She has also started randomly army crawling. It's usually when I'm upstairs rocking Hawkins to sleep she'll come in, tell me "shhh" and then lay down on her belly and start crawling around the room. It's hilarious, and also a little odd at the same time. Her newest obsession is hitting the button (garage door opener) when we leave the house. She can't quite do it by herself so I actually push it, but she puts her and on it and thinks she does it all. As the garage door opens or closes she wigs! She gets super excited for grunts and points like it is the most amazing thing she has ever seen. I guess she really hasn't seen a garage door open or close so it is pretty novel, but it's hilarious. Sometimes letting her push the button is really inconvenient, but her face makes it all worth it. I understood a few new phrases of hers as well! One was when I spilled my drink, I looked at her and said "Scout, don't touch" and she looked at me and said, clear as day "don't touch!" I laughed out loud. Her enunciation was perfect. I had no idea I even used that phrase, but apparently it happens pretty often if she knows it that well. I also figured out what "nuh nuh" meant. She has been saying it pretty regularly and random times for the last few weeks. I though maybe banana, but I haven't bought those in a while so that didn't make much sense. I also thought night night, but she says that and it's pretty clear and different than this phrase. Well, the two days ago I got her up from her crib and brought her into our room while you were getting ready for work. Hawk was laying on our bed too just hanging out. She brought me the ipad that was playing white noise and said "nuh nuh" and it clicked! "anna". She wants to watch Frozen! It has been her favorite movie, and really the only one she'll actually watch. And she has watched it on the ipad before which is the only thing she does with the ipad. It made so much sense! Now we know, "nuh nuh" = Frozen.

Hawk has been a dream baby during the day this week! His sleep patterns at night are slowly improving, but he still is eating every 4 hours which hasn't been too terrible. He even slept past his 5:30am moaning session this morning which was so nice! He doesn't like to be held for very long before he wants to play on the floor by himself. He loves his play mat with the toys dangling and mirror, or the bouncy chair. I'm trying to make him love the Bumbo, but he gets over it pretty quick. I've been better at making him do tummy time this week (round out his flat head, ha!) and it was fruitful this week! I laid him on his tummy on Tuesday, and after less than a minute he rolled onto his back. It totally shocked me! I rolled him back on his tummy and he rolled back over on the other side. I was totally impressed. He's such a good guy and such a happy baby.

We celebrated our 4th anniversary last Thursday by going on a kidless date. It was your turn to plan our activities this year and you did not disappoint. We took the light rail (I have a fascination with public transit because I haven't really experienced it) to downtown pizza to this hipster pizza place. It was delicious. I seriously crave that pizza everyday now. After pizza we walked around downtown and stopped to get Coldstone. MMM. I love that stuff. We sat outside under some misters at Starbucks and ate our ice cream and had good conversations. It's so weird how much you can talk about when you aren't trying to keep children satisfied! It was such a fun night and so nice to be able to spend it with just the two of us.

Love you more than ever, 

C

Letter 2

 

Dear Tay, 

Today marks 4 years of marriage for us. I can't even believe it! As I ponder on the last 4 years of life together I am amazed at what we've faced together.

 The first year was a breeze. Our adjusting to each other came rather easily, other than the fact that you still insist on leaving your cereal bowl in the left side of the sink when you know it drives me mad. I still love you. And will move it to the right side as I just shake my head and laugh. 

The second year we moved to New Hampshire. That was a tough year. We got pregnant,  we miscarried and I went through a bout of deep depression. You stuck by my side. Watched way too many series on Netflix with me and comforted me when I cried for hours. I probably needed medical help to deal with my emotions, but you took care of me the best you could and we made it past that rough patch. 

Our third year we finished up school in New Hampshire and moved back to Utah. You started work for a real estate company  the week after we got back and I got pregnant again. We both worked all summer and fall and we had Scout in December of 2014. . 

Our fourth year we moved to Arizona so you could start Law School. It was difficult to adjust to the new schedule, but overall not too bad. I got pregnant with Hawk when Scout was 6 months old and that threw us for a bit of a loop. It was tough dealing with a baby turning toddler while I was carrying our second child but I wouldn't change it for the world. Hawk was born on a week before your finals which also made threw us for a loop. Newborns and sleep are not synonymous, and we both struggled. We finally had a heart to heart about our marriage and discussed how we both felt under appreciated. After accepting that we both do a lot for the family and we had our separate responsibilities, neither of which were more/less important than the other, we were able to grow together and move on. Our marriage has never been better. Sometimes those hard talks are the ones that make the biggest difference. 

The day we married I don't think I really loved you. I liked you. So so much. But I don't really know that I knew how to love you, nor do I think you knew how to love me. As we've struggled and enjoyed these last 4 years together I think we truly have learned to love each other. I see the way you love me as you get out of bed in the morning and go to your externship because it has potential to improve our lives in the future. I see the way you love me as you come home from work and take the kids off my hands so I can finish dinner. I see the way you love me as you thank me for the frozen pizza I threw in the oven and on our plates and called it dinner because that's all I could manage that day. I see the way you love me as you bring me home a fountain soda from the gas station even though you don't really approve of my soda habit. I see the way you love me as you offer to clean up the kitchen and put the kids to bed so I can sit down for a few minutes. I see the way you love me when you offer to wake up with me at 6am and work out together because you know I don't like doing it alone. I see the way you love me when we study about God together and kneel in prayer together. 

There is so much more I can add to this list, but the point is that love develops throughout a marriage. You learn to love your spouse through sacrifice. Through putting their needs before your own because when they're happy, you are happy. 

I can't begin to tell you how grateful I am that you picked me. That together we were sealed in a Temple of God for time and all Eternity. That we get to face this life and the next together. I hope as the years continue to progress, our love will also. You are, and forever will be the man of my dreams. The man I choose to love and give my whole heart to. 

Happy Anniversary!

Love always, 

C

Letter 1

Dear Tay,

Our life needs documenting. Our children need to be frozen in these moments that are so trying, yet so rewarding. And so I will document and freeze time for just a few moments.

We are in our  new town home in Phoenix, Arizona. You just finished your first year of law school at ASU a few months back and are doing an Externship at the Arizona Corporation Commission (ACC). You love your job. I'm happy you're doing something worthwhile.

Scout is almost 19 months old and is sassier than ever. She has finally learned how to use the word "no" correctly. Whenever she wants a "nack" (snack) I offer her something to which she says "no" and then we move on to the next option. It's really adorable- until I've gone through all the snacks I'm willing to give her and she still says "no" which usually means a melt down will soon follow. She is also obsessed with chocolate milk thanks to Grandma Evans. She signs for milk, and when I give her a cup full of regular Vitamin D milk she always points to the cupboard above the stove and says "pease" (please). She knows my hiding spot for the Nesquik, and I usually give in (sorry!). Scout has also learned to avoid eye contact when she doesn't want to acknowledge what I'm saying to her. When I tell her to shut the cabinet when she's about to pull out all of the diapers, she usually ducks her head and continues about her (naughty) business. It really is pretty dang funny. She also likes to mock you when you tell her "no". She usually stares you straight in the face and shakes her baby pointer finger at you while saying "no, no, no". It is so hard not to laugh! I usually just end up wrapping her in my arms and kissing her sweet cheeks. She really is the best. My favorite thing that she does right now is jumping in the crib. When I go to get her up from naps she always stands up and says "mama" and then points to the alarm clock to turn off the white noise. I turn off the noise and then she throws her binky and blankets in the crib and holds on to the edge and proceeds to jump. Then laugh. Then jump some more. She thinks its the greatest thing ever. My heart explodes with joy and love as I watch her laugh and play. Our daughter is amazing. And beautiful. And the sound of her laugh brings me more joy than I ever thought possible.


Hawk is 3 months. He was diagnosed with acid reflux and a sensitivity to milk-based formula about 3 weeks ago and it has changed him completely! He is the happiest guy. If you'll give him attention he is always willing to give you the biggest smile. His chubby cheeks are the cutest things and he has blue eyes just like Scout. He is starting to "talk" constantly and loves to kick. He isn't the biggest fan of tummy time (probably due to his large head) but we're working on it. He is also working on sitting upright in the bumbo. He's surprisingly good for being only 3 months old. Hawk man is so chunky! At his last Dr appointment he weighed in at 16lbs 3 oz. gaining 9 oz. in one week! It has almost been a month since then so I'm sure he's around 18lbs. He loves to eat and will do so every 4 hours pretty much on the dot. He's entertained and loved on by Scouty, but he's not sure how much he loves that just yet. He is a happy guy and now that we have his health issues figured out a little better he is becoming a really good baby.

Amidst the chaos of having two kids under 2- 15 months a part to be exact- it's tricky to find time for just us.You usually leave by 7:30am, and don't get home until about 6. We eat dinner, you play with the kids while I clean up, and the kids both go down at 7. We usually have those 2 hours before bed together but it never feels like enough. We typically watch a show or movie and then head to bed, but I feel like we should do more with our time. But what can you do when you have two babies sleeping upstairs? We'll have to work on that. Find something. Regardless, those two hours together are precious. A few times you have spent them getting things done and I just miss you. I crave  time with you. I've become dependent on you. Not in a needy way, but in a we've-grown-together-and-become- two-parts-of-one-whole kind of way. It's weird. But I think that's how it was meant to be. Two become one. Anyway, I love you. I appreciate what you are doing in efforts to improve our family life. Thanks for being the man of my dreams.

You have my heart now and forever,
C

 

Motherhood

Motherhood: I love it and I hate it all at the same time. Now before you think I'm a devil woman for saying that I hate being a mom let me explain a little:

Before I became a mom I was married to the man of my dreams. That has not changed.

Before I became a mom we went on dates every week. Just the two of us. That has changed.

Before I became a mom we went out to eat together and had delicious meals and delightful conversations. That has changed.

Before I became a mom I went to work every day and got paid for said work. That has changed.

Before I became a mom I talked to other adults all day. That has changed.

Before I became a mom I showered, got dressed, did my makeup and hair every day. That has changed.

Before I became a mom I went to the gym every single day. That has changed.

Before I became a mom I had a fit body that I was proud of. That has changed.

Before I became a mom I had a clean house all the time. That has changed.

Before I became a mom I went to the grocery store on my own schedule. That has changed.


You see? Things have changed. It isn't being a mom that I hate. I actually love love love being a mom. My babies mean the world to me (or else I wouldn't have had #2 and wouldn't be planning on adding several more to our family), but with babes have come A LOT of change. And change is hard! it requires adaptation and adjustments, and those don't happen over night.

I have realized as a stay at home mom (SAHM) that being at home with my babies isn't the fairytale I thought it was going to be. I am so lucky that I can stay home with them, but it is not without it's challenges. I am not the first SAHM to say that being at home with kids can be lonely. Yes, you are with the little people you adore but the conversation is hardly fulfilling. Going through 10 different foods trying to give my 18 month old daughter the "nack" (snack) she wants is exhausting. Especially when you do it 10 times every day. And cooing at my 3 month old trying to solicit smiles isn't exactly conversation. Sometimes you just want to talk to someone about something! The funny thing is, once I'm out of the house and talking with other adults, 9/10 times the conversation is about my children and their "nacks" and their adorable smiles.

Taking two kids under 2 to ANY store is a challenge. It takes 30 minutes to get out the door even though when I decide we are going to leave the house I feel just about ready. Because when I'm ready, my kids are not. They require snacks, and bottles, and water, and diapers, and a change of clothes just in case they poop, pee or spit up on their first outfit...and that is for every outing. Even the quick jaunts to grab one thing! Because if you don't grab the snack, or the water, or the diapers, or the change of clothes, one of your kids will need the thing you didn't grab and will melt down in public because of it. The melt downs are mortifying. Avoid melt downs at all costs.

Being a SAHM doesn't just mean you get to play with the kids all day. Unfortunately. Because I'm at home while my husband works or goes to school a lot of things fall on my shoulders like: preparing meals for the family, grocery shopping, paying bills, cleaning the house, doing the laundry, etc. Although I would like to just play with the kids all day, the other stuff has to get done too and I think that's where I get bogged down. Because sometimes I want someone else to clean up after me. I want someone else to cook dinner. To plan dinner. Or to wipe down the bathrooms. Those things are not things that bring me joy. Quite frankly they suck and I wish I was ok with them not being done. But I'm not, so I do them because that's part of my "job".

BUT....although staying at home isn't the fairytale I expected, it does have its perks. And they are some serious perks.

Before I became a mom I had never loved a little person so dang much.

Before I became a mom I didn't know what it felt like to be needed for everything. And it kind of feels good sometimes.

Before I became a mom I didn't know how thrilling it would be to see your baby smile for the first time, or laugh for the first time, or take their first steps all before your eyes.

Before I became a mom I didn't know how you could feel so much empathy for another person.

Before I became a mom I didn't know someone would want me to kiss or snuggle all the hurt away.


Before I became a mom I didn't know there would be so many hardships associated with such a blessing.

The trials and the lonely times are so worth seeing my babies smile. Getting to play with them all day and snuggle them all day if they'll let you. Motherhood is a challenge. One that I am grateful for and am learning how to become better at every day. Motherhood is the refiner's fire. I am (hopefully) becoming more of a diamond under all this pressure ;)

Family Pictures

I love getting pictures of my little family done. We had some done back in September when I was announcing I was pregnant with Hawkins. I knew though that because we were having another baby, I wouldn't be able to go very long after he was born before getting an updated picture for our wall. Thankfully, one of my sisters-in-law is such a talented photographer and snapped some pictures of all of us while we were there. I'm obsessed with them all, and for the sake of time and space I'll share my very very favorites:

Rodericks: Party of 4

Growing a family is the weirdest and coolest thing that I will ever get to be a part of. Ever since having Scout I realize how unique children and personalities are. Every person adds something special and different to a family and I have been super excited to see what baby Hawk will be like. I'm ecstatic that he's finally made his grand debut and am even more excited to see how our family dynamic will adjust with him.

Hawkins Scott Roderick

A Birth Story

This pregnancy was so much different than Scout's. Looking back, my pregnancy with Scout was super easy (other than the morning sickness). Starting at 30 weeks I had braxton hicks pretty regularly. Initially, they made me uncomfortable but they got to a point where I didn't want to be on my feet anymore. So the last few weeks I found myself waddling from sitting spot to sitting spot which made me feel terrible. I'm normally a pretty active person so to be so static was terrible! I'm pretty sure I cried about it more than any human should.... Anyway, Taylor's parents came into town during week 36 and I had no choice but to be on my feet and going, which was great! Until the evenings...and I would get contractions so bad. I was hurting to a point where I couldn't sit still through them and had to excuse myself up to bed a few nights during their stay. But, they were never regular enough to time and they didn't bring me to tears (two of the requirements for me to go to the hospital this time around. I was not going to be turned away like I was with Scout!). So I would take some Tylenol and wait for sleep to come, which it always did and I would wake up the next morning contraction free. It was kind of depressing to be honest, but I knew that Hawkins would come when he was ready even though I was so beyond ready for him to be here.

At my 37 week Dr appointment I had my cervix checked and was only dilated to 1cm and 50% effaced. Also, a little depressing. Although those measurements really don't mean anything. Once you go into labor that all changes pretty quick. Or can. So I tried not to let it get to me. That week was again filled with contractions that brought no baby.

Sunday, March 27 was Easter. I woke up at 5am in pain. I didn't time anything because it wasn't regular, but this pain was more intense then the last few weeks had been. Tay and I took Scout to church and I couldn't even sit through the first hour. Tay taught our Sunday School class while I entertained Scout and tried to keep my mind off of things. After that second hour I decided I needed to come home and rest. I was pretty confident this baby was coming. We ended up going to our friends house for dinner and I took my hospital bag just to be safe. I was still hurting, but the pain wasn't worsening so we stayed away from the hospital. I talked with my parents that night and told them I was pretty sure I was in labor, and after a few hours they called and told me to go to the hospital because things could progress pretty quick with this being my second baby. I debated, but ultimately decided to wait. Especially becasue the next morning at I had an appointment with the OB at 9am.

At my 38 week Dr. appointment (Monday, March 28) I was checked again, hoping that all of the contractions (which had gotten pretty bad over the weekend) had brought some progress. This time I was dilated to 4cm! I'm pretty sure I almost cried I was so happy. I called my mom to tell her the good news and she immediately began looking up plane flights. She ended up booking a flight that landed that night which was exciting, but also stressful. I was nervous that Hawk was going to take his time coming and I didn't want to waste my mom's time by having her here with no baby. But she came! We had dinner at the house that night and i went to bed early still uncomfortable.

Tuesday morning, (March 29) I woke up at 2am hurting but also feeling super nauseous. I went to the bathroom and sat on floor just waiting to throw up. After about 15 minutes I went and laid back down hoping it would pass. I kept waking randomly throughout the morning feeling so sick. Finally, at 6:30 Tay had gotten up with Scout and I woke up and threw up. It was terrible, but I felt so much better. in the midst of going to the bathroom right before that, I thought I felt my water break. I wasn't sure but was nervous because my Group B test was positive and I needed to be on antibiotics for 4 hours before I delivered to make sure Hawk was safe. That being the case, Tay and I talked about going to the hospital. He convinced me to go even though I was super skeptical. As I was downstairs giving my mom instructions for Scout just in case they kept me I had my first hard contraction. Like brought me to tears and I had to stop talking to her. I went upstairs to finish getting my stuff together, and the hard contractions didn't stop. I told Tay what was happening and hurried him out the door so we could get to the hospital that was a 20 minute drive. In the car I was timing my contractions and they were consistently 4-5 minutes a part and crippling pain. We parked and went inside, and the nurses put us in a triage room to monitor my contractions and to see if I was making any progress. After an hour I had dilated another cm (now at 5cm) and was fully effaced so they admitted me. Shortly after they moved me to the labor and delivery room I got my epidural and Tay and I enjoyed the morning together. Our goal was to keep me pregnant until 1:45 pm (4 hours from when they started my antibiotic) to make sure Hawk was safe during delivery. The nurses didn't come check my cervix again until then because checking can stimulate dilation. So at 1:45 Lesley (my most amazing delivery nurse) came and checked me and I had only progressed to a 6. I was a little disheartened and asked her about breaking my water (which was still intact). She said she would call and ask my Dr. A few minutes later my Dr came in and broke my water. Such a different experience than it breaking with Scout. Instead of the gush it was a slow trickle which was still awkward. Things started moving along quicker after that. It took another hour to get to 7cm, and then from 7-10 was pretty much a blur. Lesley came in and set up the room for delivery and we did some practice pushes to see where Hawk was at. His head was low but still required some work to get under my pubic bone. Curse that thing! Anyway, we pushed for about 10 minutes to get Hawk under the pubic bone (but it felt like eternity!) and then Lesley called the Dr. She was there super quick and coached me through the next 5 minutes of pushing. Hawkins Scott Roderick was born at 4:36pm weighing in at 8lbs. 4oz. and 20 inches long!

He has been such a good baby so far. But a hungry guy! He's two weeks old tomorrow and handles 3 oz. every three hours, and sometimes 4! Blows my mind and I don't know how I'll keep up, but I'm so glad he's here!