Hard Knock Life.

You want to know what no one talks about? Miscarriage. It happens more often than people realize, but still no one talks about it.

Now I totally get it.

Having gone through it myself, and not wanting to tell people the hurt that you are experiencing because frankly, in the moment, you can't put the pain into words. And the last things you want to hear are sorry attempts at comfort. People try so hard, and I am grateful that they do, but sometimes the only thing that makes you feel like they understand your feelings is them saying "I'm sorry that life's a bitch." (excuse the language.) My sister in law told me that, and it was the first time that I was appreciative of anyone's condolences.

Life is hard. And this miscarriage was extremely hard. Especially because it wasn't over for weeks. Weeks! Most people find out they're miscarrying when they start bleeding a ton. I found out by going to the Dr and them telling me there was no fetal heartbeat (this was 8 weeks in). In that moment, I could have sworn my heart was going to stop. It was painful news. Already I had become so excited and attached to this baby. It is so weird how quickly that happens. It's not that I could feel it, or that my belly was a cute little bump proving that there was something growing in there. But I knew it. And Taylor knew it. And we would talk about how excited we were to become parents. What we were going to teach our baby and how much our life would change in the next year.

But then it all ended.

In a matter of a few hours, we were told that that baby wasn't coming anymore, and to prepare ourselves for the miscarriage. We left that appointment and I couldn't even talk to Taylor. Not because I was mad at him, or anyone else for that matter, but because I hurt. A kind of hurt that I didn't know how to talk about just then. So I just cried. We grabbed some dinner after the Dr so we didn't have to cook, and neither of us said a word while we ate. I just cried and hoped the people around us wouldn't notice. The next few days were similar. Tay and I didn't really talk about the miscarriage because there really was nothing to say. We were losing our baby, and at this point were just waiting for the bleeding to start.

The bleeding didn't ever start on it's own. At least not for the 3 weeks that we waited. We kept going back to the Dr and having my HCG levels tested to see if they were going down and they weren't. They were actually still going up. I was so beyond frustrated. Let me just paint this picture for you: Three weeks ago the Dr said I was miscarrying. I waited every. single. day. for three weeks for the bleeding, and it never came. I went back to the Dr when my HCG levels were going the opposite direction of what they were supposed to be doing, and he says that there could be a possibility that the other Dr just missed the heartbeat, but he didn't want to get my hopes up. KILL ME! After three weeks of pain, he says the Dr could have been wrong. I didn't believe that though, only because I don't think that I could have handled being excited about baby again just for that to be destroyed a second time. We had another Ultra Sound and the results were the same. No fetal heartbeat. Finally, the Dr asked me if I wanted to try a prescription that might help start the bleeding process which I was thankful for. After all of this waiting and anticipation (and still feeling grossly pregnant) I was glad to have an option that would allow me to continue on the healing process so that we could start again.  I took the medicine and things started happening right away.

The actual miscarriage is painful. So painful. You have to pass a lot of tissue to clean out your uterus so you can get pregnant again. It is not easy. It happens easily, but you feel like you're dying. I cried. More like sobbed/shook because I was hurting so bad, and Taylor just held me because there really is nothing anyone can do. After I passed it all I had pretty instant relief. I was no longer shaking from the pain. It was hard, but I knew it was finally over.

Miscarriages are hard. And they happen frequently. Especially in first pregnancies. They are painful: both physically and emotionally. But you get through it. You're frustrated, and devastated and even numb after you've held on to the first two emotions for long enough. But eventually, you make it through. I am lucky enough to have a husband who is so tender and loving that he never left my side when things got really hard. He held me when I cried and gave me the time I needed, and sometimes still need, to be sad. He takes care of me and I am forever grateful that I married such a loving man.