tuesdays.

<-Boston sunset ->       

So Tay only has school Monday, Wednesday and Friday. Which means we get to play the other days of the week. It being Tuesday, we decided to go on an adventure. Being so close to Boston, we like to take advantage and see the city and all that is has to offer. So we went. And love it. Started our trip here:

So perfect! Among all the chaos in our lives right now, all the stress and worry it's so nice to go to the temple and take a little break. (note to other LDS-ers: there's a new movie. like brand spankin new. Not the old one that they claimed was the "new" one. It's probably my fav…GO!) It was amazing. And peaceful. And really everything we needed. 

A high point in our Boston trips is often the food we get to try. Because Boston is Boston there is an insane amount of really famous and said-to-be delicious eateries around. So of course we have accepted that mission and are trying our very hardest to eat at all the best ones. 

Tonight we went to the Union Oyster House which is right in the heart of the city. It is also the oldest continuously operating restaurant in America. Pretty neat. After a small hiccup in the navigation (i'm terrible with directions, even with the gps :( sorry babe!) we made it to this historic landmark where we were planning on stuffing our faces. 

Small side note: this place was recommended to us by  friend at church who lived in Boston for years. When he recommended it he called it a "steak house" that also had great seafood. Let me tell you something, I do not like seafood. Like at all. 

I know. I know…

 I'm crazy, un-american, etc. 

It's just not my thing. So we go to this Oyster House regardless of my distaste for seafood and I'm a little unsure about what I will be eating. I figure at the very least I can get a steak or chicken fingers or something not fishy.

Let me tell you another something: this place is strictly seafood with a few steak options. And the steak options start at $30.

Two words: not happening 

I'm cheap. I splurge on a few things every once in a while. But a $30 steak is not one of them.

 I frantically searched the menu for other options, but everything else was fishy!  Everything! 

(insert stress & initiate grumpy cat status)

After looking over the menu for a few more minutes I decide to stop the waitress and ask her what the soup of the day was. This was my last hope. I was so longer too enthused about this "steak house". Thankfully, it was chicken and vegetable. So I got that, while my other half excitedly ordered his lobster roll. Tay enjoyed it, I endured. But we can say that we've been there.

And I can be proud of myself for not denying my husband the opportunity to eat amazingly fresh seafood. 

(Tay felt bad for me and my sorry bowl of soup, and let me get a drink on the way home. I'm slightly addicted to Diet Coke so this girl was happy after all)

Good things to come..

My hcg levels are back at 0! Best news ever!

That's all :)

It has its perks.

So while being on the East Coast has its challenges, it also has its perks. Whenever people ask us about living in New England I always say the same few things:
1. It's so fun being on the East Coast for a change!
2. It's totally new and different than what we're used to and we're adjusting pretty well.
3. It's fun! But everything is so far from our house!
4. It's been the best experience for us as a couple.

#4 is probably my favorite answer because being completely away from both of our families, all of our friends, and outside of our comfort zone has been the best thing for us. We've been married for a year and a half now and undoubtedly we have grown closer. We have tried new things together. Been to new places. Made new friends as a married couple. But none of those things were to the extent that this New England experience is turning out to be. And guys, it's the best.

We both miss our families. That will never change and will always be a hardship while we're out here, but we get to be together! All alone together. Not many couples get a chance like this: to move away entirely and grow together as a couple and to be fair not every couple needs to do this, but this girl highly recommends it! (what am I even saying?)

Some perks:
**disclaimer: some of the apply to being married and living on your own in general. I realize this.

1. You get your spouse to yourself: I mean this in the best way possible. I love both of our families and all of our friends, but sometimes I just want to be with my husband. Just him. And me.
2. You can have sexy time whenever you want and never have to worry about being interrupted or walked in on.
3. You can walk around naked in your house.
4. You can leave the dishes in the sink after dinner if you so choose.
5. You can make whatever you're feeling like for dinner.
6. Going out to eat is a compromise between two people only.
8. You get to experience a brand new place together.
9. Which means you also get to be lost together.
10. You get to establish your own family between the two of you.
11. You can up and leave on a mini vacation without having to answer to anyone
12. Getting out of Utah means there are real opportunities for missionary work.
13. Seeing new aspects of nature. (ponds really do freeze over, and people actually ice skate on them!)
14. Eating authentic foods- Greek, you got it! Fresh sea food, sure! Real Italian Pizza, coming right up!
15. Experiencing real life history. (the pilgrims were all up in here)
16. People treat you as an adult and a contributing member to the ward family.
17. You are forced to be social. (Unless you really don't want any friends)

This is in no means an all inclusive list, but it's some of the things that Tay and I have come to love about our experience together. We are happy to have the opportunity to try something new, travel a bit and see how our "family" develops. It's been so fun and we are truly blessed to be here!

Dreams

So Tay and I have been talking a lot about what we want to do with ourselves in the near future. We're at a point where we could really do anything, go anywhere, or be whoever we want to be. It's really exciting! But with that excitement a whole heap of pressure tags along. 

What in the world do I want to be?

And at this moment, I have a lot of answers to that question. I don't know exactly what route to take, or which ones even make sense for me or my family, but it's nice to have dreams again. To think of the possibilities that this life has to offer. That I can take advantage of! I had a degree in Elementary Education (as of December :)!!!) so I could take that route, obviously, but in this moment I'm not sure that's what feels best. Weird, right? Go to college to determine what I want to be, graduate with a degree and still not know. It's not so much a matter of not knowing, because I know I could teach and I would never regret it. But there's so much more that I want to do! That I want to try my hand at before I really settle down with a career. 

So right now I'm exploring my options (which also translates into me being unemployed, but I'm choosing to look at it as an opportunity…see what I did there? :) ) It's exciting! and nerve wracking trying to think it all through and see what makes the most sense. But I am so happy that I have a chance to do some soul searching, backed by a very supportive husband of course, and find what it is that I want to do with myself. 

Managing the Miscarriage

I have handled our miscarriage pretty well (if such a thing exists). It's been almost 2 months since we found out we were losing baby and I rarely break down about it. Even though we were in Utah for a month and that is baby central. Seriously. If they don't have a baby in tow, they're typically pregnant. Not a joke. Utah was hard for me. Not only was the entire public pregnant, but my sister is prego with baby #1 and my sister in law with #2. I love them both and am beyond happy for them both, but it was still hard. They have something that I want to desperately. 

I find I have the hardest times with first time expectant mothers. It's a weird jealousy issue I have with accepting the fact that they get to have a baby without the trial of a miscarriage. I see them and hate them a little (I know this is wrong). I find myself hoping that they know how lucky they are. How blessed they are to be expecting despite the challenges that come with pregnancy. Along with this comes a new intolerance and frustration with teen moms. I have read a ton about pregnancy and found that each month a couple trying to get pregnant only has a 20% chance of success. It all relates to your ovulation cycles because it's such a short span out of the month and you have to have sex at the perfect moment or else you don't get pregnant...yada yada yada. The only exception to this stat is teen moms. They have unplanned sex once in the backseat of a car and get pregnant, stay pregnant, and have healthy babies. KILL ME! Nothing cuts me deeper than a child having a baby that they don't want. 

Additionally, my hCG levels are still not at 0 which means my chance of getting pregnant again right now is 0. I feel defeated. I feel like this nightmare will never end. I want to be able to start over. To try again. But my body is struggling.

So here's to another blood draw this week and hoping that a new start is coming. 

Christmas Break

So for Christmas Tay and I got to go to Utah. FOR A WHOLE MONTH! It was fantastic. Tay's break from school was abnormally long because the University of New Hampshire does something weird during the month of January. Some short "term" instead of semester. I don't really get it. All I know is that because of that weird thing they do he had a month and a half off of school. Which meant we blew this popsicle stand for the majority of the time.

The break started a bit rough. Our flight out got cancelled because of weather. It literally had not snowed in New England until the night before we were supposed to leave. And of course it didn't just give the East Coast a light dusting, it dumped. I was less than impressed by mother nature to put it nicely. I may have cried. I just wanted to be home. But we re-booked for the next night and made it home. 

It was amazing to just be with family. We didn't do anything particularly special. But we were Home. With family. 

BEST FEELING EVER!

Our vacation looked something like this:

My parents. Snuggling.

This is Hudson. He is my nephew. And my favorite.

Sugar cookie decorating party. 

Zack & Kresha.

Me & Tay. Obviously gussied up. 

My whole family. The girls loving their jeep.

Princess Tay. Addi adores him. I can't see why. 

 My sewing projects. 

Leaving.

Daylynn.

Tay & Addi sledding

Adds

Bachelor Premier with Linds

Mac counter fun with Addi

New Year's Celebrations

Watched Fireworks from the Hot Tub.

Sisters. 

Hard Knock Life.

You want to know what no one talks about? Miscarriage. It happens more often than people realize, but still no one talks about it.

Now I totally get it.

Having gone through it myself, and not wanting to tell people the hurt that you are experiencing because frankly, in the moment, you can't put the pain into words. And the last things you want to hear are sorry attempts at comfort. People try so hard, and I am grateful that they do, but sometimes the only thing that makes you feel like they understand your feelings is them saying "I'm sorry that life's a bitch." (excuse the language.) My sister in law told me that, and it was the first time that I was appreciative of anyone's condolences.

Life is hard. And this miscarriage was extremely hard. Especially because it wasn't over for weeks. Weeks! Most people find out they're miscarrying when they start bleeding a ton. I found out by going to the Dr and them telling me there was no fetal heartbeat (this was 8 weeks in). In that moment, I could have sworn my heart was going to stop. It was painful news. Already I had become so excited and attached to this baby. It is so weird how quickly that happens. It's not that I could feel it, or that my belly was a cute little bump proving that there was something growing in there. But I knew it. And Taylor knew it. And we would talk about how excited we were to become parents. What we were going to teach our baby and how much our life would change in the next year.

But then it all ended.

In a matter of a few hours, we were told that that baby wasn't coming anymore, and to prepare ourselves for the miscarriage. We left that appointment and I couldn't even talk to Taylor. Not because I was mad at him, or anyone else for that matter, but because I hurt. A kind of hurt that I didn't know how to talk about just then. So I just cried. We grabbed some dinner after the Dr so we didn't have to cook, and neither of us said a word while we ate. I just cried and hoped the people around us wouldn't notice. The next few days were similar. Tay and I didn't really talk about the miscarriage because there really was nothing to say. We were losing our baby, and at this point were just waiting for the bleeding to start.

The bleeding didn't ever start on it's own. At least not for the 3 weeks that we waited. We kept going back to the Dr and having my HCG levels tested to see if they were going down and they weren't. They were actually still going up. I was so beyond frustrated. Let me just paint this picture for you: Three weeks ago the Dr said I was miscarrying. I waited every. single. day. for three weeks for the bleeding, and it never came. I went back to the Dr when my HCG levels were going the opposite direction of what they were supposed to be doing, and he says that there could be a possibility that the other Dr just missed the heartbeat, but he didn't want to get my hopes up. KILL ME! After three weeks of pain, he says the Dr could have been wrong. I didn't believe that though, only because I don't think that I could have handled being excited about baby again just for that to be destroyed a second time. We had another Ultra Sound and the results were the same. No fetal heartbeat. Finally, the Dr asked me if I wanted to try a prescription that might help start the bleeding process which I was thankful for. After all of this waiting and anticipation (and still feeling grossly pregnant) I was glad to have an option that would allow me to continue on the healing process so that we could start again.  I took the medicine and things started happening right away.

The actual miscarriage is painful. So painful. You have to pass a lot of tissue to clean out your uterus so you can get pregnant again. It is not easy. It happens easily, but you feel like you're dying. I cried. More like sobbed/shook because I was hurting so bad, and Taylor just held me because there really is nothing anyone can do. After I passed it all I had pretty instant relief. I was no longer shaking from the pain. It was hard, but I knew it was finally over.

Miscarriages are hard. And they happen frequently. Especially in first pregnancies. They are painful: both physically and emotionally. But you get through it. You're frustrated, and devastated and even numb after you've held on to the first two emotions for long enough. But eventually, you make it through. I am lucky enough to have a husband who is so tender and loving that he never left my side when things got really hard. He held me when I cried and gave me the time I needed, and sometimes still need, to be sad. He takes care of me and I am forever grateful that I married such a loving man.