I have handled our miscarriage pretty well (if such a thing exists). It's been almost 2 months since we found out we were losing baby and I rarely break down about it. Even though we were in Utah for a month and that is baby central. Seriously. If they don't have a baby in tow, they're typically pregnant. Not a joke. Utah was hard for me. Not only was the entire public pregnant, but my sister is prego with baby #1 and my sister in law with #2. I love them both and am beyond happy for them both, but it was still hard. They have something that I want to desperately.
I find I have the hardest times with first time expectant mothers. It's a weird jealousy issue I have with accepting the fact that they get to have a baby without the trial of a miscarriage. I see them and hate them a little (I know this is wrong). I find myself hoping that they know how lucky they are. How blessed they are to be expecting despite the challenges that come with pregnancy. Along with this comes a new intolerance and frustration with teen moms. I have read a ton about pregnancy and found that each month a couple trying to get pregnant only has a 20% chance of success. It all relates to your ovulation cycles because it's such a short span out of the month and you have to have sex at the perfect moment or else you don't get pregnant...yada yada yada. The only exception to this stat is teen moms. They have unplanned sex once in the backseat of a car and get pregnant, stay pregnant, and have healthy babies. KILL ME! Nothing cuts me deeper than a child having a baby that they don't want.
Additionally, my hCG levels are still not at 0 which means my chance of getting pregnant again right now is 0. I feel defeated. I feel like this nightmare will never end. I want to be able to start over. To try again. But my body is struggling.
So here's to another blood draw this week and hoping that a new start is coming.
